Doing church

I was sitting in church last Sunday watching what was going on wondering to myself if what we do as church worship is truly for the most part worship? I was listening rather than singing because I didn't know the words to most of the songs the music leader was leading the congregation in. Though I enjoyed the music very music and didn't have a problem with it. I was thinking "Is this truly worship?" "Am I truly worshipping?" What about during the sermon? Is that truly worship? Or is that the exhaltation of a man speaking what he believes God is saying to him? I walked away not for the first time on Sunday thinking that perhaps what we call worship isn't truly worship at all, but rather something else.
Then, as I am thinking about that, another thought crosses my mind, "What does God think about what is going on?" "Is it even possible to know what God might think of this?" The verses in Isaiah come to mind telling us that God doesn't think like we think and His ways are not like our ways. So, who am I really kidding anyway? How in the world can I know what God is thinking? Other than that He hates hypocrisy and lying.
Because when you get right down to it, God looks at the whole experience on a different level than we do. He looks at motives and attitudes and the heart. He examines the Spirit and the soul and the reason why you came to church in the first place. His examination is transparent through us. But, still I can't help but wonder what God really thinks about us and what we do or don't do? Is it seen as holy, profane, annoying or is God truly pleased with it?
I am convinced that much of it is not worth anything and is very man centered. But, at the same time there is a lot of that that I can't control, so I need to first make sure that my own heart is in the right place, so it isn't profane and worthless in his sight. I need to make sure I am not being hypocritical. Because when you get right down to it there will always be people who are hypocrites in church until Jesus comes again. And I can't straighten all of that out, but I can do something about myself.

Jesus Raises Lazarus

One of the most moving stories for me in all the miracles that Jesus did is in John 11:38-44. Jesus raises Lazarus from the grave. He came there it appeared too late to do anything. In fact, when Mary and Martha see Jesus they say to him at different times. "If you had been here, my brother would not have died." 11:21,32. They didn't understand he needed for him to die to demonstrate the power of God through him. But, the reality of it is is that they spoke out of their grief and pain and lack of understanding that we all experience at times when trying to understand what an infinite God is doing. Not that it is completely possible for us to ever completely understand.

Jesus also still weeps as he sees the tomb verse 35. It is the shortest verse in the Bible, but filled with meaning. Jesus was not distant from their pain, even though he would move the stone in a few moments. Lazarus would one day go back into the grave once more. Only to one day hear that same voice again at the end of the ages. Jesus is "God with us". He sees our heartache and pain and identifies with us. He didn't rebuke Mary and Martha for their comments, though on some level they were not true. He understood they spoke from brokenness. Jesus is kind to the brokenhearted.

Jesus showed that same sensitivity at a different place with a man whose son was possessed by a demon. The demon would throw the boy to the ground and make him foam at the mouth. Think about how that would make you feel as a parent to see your child go through that. Then he brings him to the disciples and they could do nothing for him. It would make me want to scream. It would surely make me upset. Then, Jesus speaks to the man after coming down from the mountain. At this point, the man's faith is deeply shaken. He says he does believe, but to help him in his unbelief. To help him through this struggle that he is in. His faith is small, but Jesus said that faith of a mustard seed is all that is required. So, Jesus honors the man's small faith and the boy is healed. I'm glad God works with mustard seeds. I'm so there. . . .

Visited New Church

I drove by a church last night that I had not been to before, but was close to my house. I wanted to look at it and find out the service times. So, today I went, without knowing anyone there and sat through the worship service. I was sitting there thinking about my search for a new church home and asked myself again for the hundredth time, "What am I looking for and what is important to me here?"
The service was a typical Methodist traditional service. Nothing wrong with it at all. They even had a communion service served with two common cups. I didn't take part. I was thinking that it really was not sanitary to use two cups to dip bread into. Maybe I'm just showing myself there that I would come up with such a lousy excuse. Also, I was thinking I probably wasn't in the right place right now to take communion. Too many conflicting emotions going on with me, too much hurt. I'm really not sure though if I should have or not. Part of me was wondering who the trouble makers in this church were, but there was also a smaller voice that said I don't have a right to judge anyone.
I'm pretty sure though that in thinking about what I want, I want something a little less formal in its worship than what I experienced today. They probably have an early service that is like that, many of them do. I don't like reading prayers and stuff out of the bulletin. It seems very impersonal to me. I'm thinking maybe something non-denominational or something like that. Someone who preaches messages that are more practical and useful in everyday life. I thought the guy was okay in the pulpit today, but I still had trouble staying awake at times. I think maybe my blood sugar was running high. I always feel tired when my blood sugar is high. Or maybe I am just tired from a hard week of work.
I do know that what is important to me is that the church stress practice daily truths of God's Word. It is important that they be biblically based and Christ centered. It is important to me that living by example is stressed. For I don't believe what you say until I see you living it. I do know that outward service to others is important. That is what I am about. I would like the church I eventually join to reflect that.
Then there is a part of me that wonders if I should even be looking for a church home right now. As many issues that I have with the church right now, as abusive as I have found it to be, I wonder if I should even bother.