For those of you who know me and know a little about my past, you know that I have issues about the church. I pastored two churches between 2001-2006 and saw first hand some of the pettiness and mean spiritedness of the church. I am still licking my wounds from this. So, for the last year or so I have not been in church. I think the experience that I have had has forever changed my feelings about the church. So, this was a big experience that I went to a prayer service and bible study last night.
I will say that I picked that church last night because I have met the pastor previously and he does seem to care about his congregation. His comments during prayer service indicate to me that he realizes who is sick and in need of extra care. That does seem to be missing in many congregations these days when the bottom line is money and power. But, I will also say that I felt very anxious being back in church, even though I was not asked to do a thing. It brings back some painful memories I would rather forget.
As I have been thinking about this for some time the question arises in my mind, why even bother going to a church? Part of the answer I think is that we don't go to church simply because of or despite the people there. At least in part, we should go because God deserves to be worshipped and honored. If I do nothing else during the service time, perhaps it gives me time to reflect on Him and then we really can't say that the time was completely wasted. For whatever it says to people about going to church, it says that I had the choice on this day where to go and I chose to honor God by at least having the chance of worshipping or thinking about him. If others do not use it as an opportunity to do this then that is their fault and not mine.
Does this mean that next week I am going to be teaching a Sunday School lesson again or sitting on a committee. No, it doesn't. Stronger words come to mine, but since this is a spiritual blog I will leave it at that. I think there are lessons to be learned from the past. Perhaps I was a little too naive about the nature of people and needed to grow up in my thinking. Perhaps the fear is not completely misplaced that there are people in the church that truly are wolves in sheeps clothing. I think of the words of Solomon that there is a season for everything. Hopefully, this is a season of healing and learning for me.
I think the other lesson to be learned from this is to open yourself up is to be vulnerable. To hide is safe, but it is also a place where we do not live life to the fullness. To risk loving others, to risk caring again, means to risk being hurt again. This is a scary business, this caring about people. It reminds me of a book written by author Denise George called "Becoming Tender in a Tough World". Denise talks about an experience where she goes to the zoo during the winter. There was an animal there who was standing near the area where people walk by. I forget exactly what kind of animal it was at the moment. She talks about how the animal stuck its neck out for Denise to pet it. In that moment, when the animal stuck its neck out, it is vulnerable. But, to not do so means it will never be touched.
I worked as a chaplain in a nursing home between 1998-2001. There was a bird that was kept in the lobby for the residents along with a fish tank. The bird had a habit of putting his head outside the cage and holding it there for the residents to pet its head. Someone could have easily come also and hurt the bird. Sometimes we get hurt also when we take that risk. The question is, is it worth it to try?
