Bitterness
Our sermon last Sunday was about the fruit of the Spirit. The pastor was talking about love and referred to the opposite of love as bitterness. I am not sure that I agree with that, as I see the opposite of love being apathy, but I can certainly see why he would feel that way. I felt convicted that I have allowed in the past some bitterness to creep in and take root. I want to be free from that and walk in the love that Christ would want me to love other people with. Sometimes people make it near impossible to love or even like them.
I didn't realize when I left the church I worked at years ago just how angry and bitter I was. I was so disappointed that it didn't work out and that people who were initially excited about our coming turned on us very early on. You wouldn't believe the angry and hostile emails I got from church members. Fights about things like easter egg hunts and whether or not we would have a softball team. It all seemed so petty and childish. For a good year or two after I left West Virginia I couldn't even sit all the way through a service because I would remember someone and the hurtful things they said and have to leave. I was horribly angry and after a while it took root and spread.
I also alienated myself from the church because I didn't want to get hurt again. Anyone reading this like to get hurt? I don't. So, for a while I stopped going. The thinking is that if I am not there you can't hurt me. A lot of people do that and I think many of the pews in churches today are empty because of that. But, in the end, I don't go to church just for other people. You go because God deserves your worship. The church is imperfect, but then aren't we all.
So, I kept trying and over time I realized how angry I truly was. It was embarrasing and evil what some people said and did in West Virginia. I guess I could just write it off as them being backwood hillbilllies, but I don't really see that. I think at some point I realized that the one I was hurting the most by hanging on to the bitterness was myself. So, over time I have had to let it go and move on. Aware the whole time that people have it within them to be very nice, but also at times very evil. You can't always tell either who it will be. There is no light or cardboard sign they are carrying that says, "I will tear your heart out and eat it."
So, we are going back to church and have picked a new church home. It is non-denominational and perhaps more different than any church that I have been a part of. It is loud and the guy with the guitar is a little weird, but every Sunday I have been there God has spoken through his word. I need that. I need a word from God. I need to feel that connection. And the truth of the matter is that I am weird too just in different ways.
The truth also is that I have the capacity within me to be pretty mean also. One lesson perhaps that can be taken from this is what i don't want to be like. That I don't want to assume the worst in people. That I don't want to be hypocritical and judgmental. That I don't want to claim I live one way and then walk another. That service in the church isn't about a power trip and who I can boss around. I really see that there are a lot of modern day Pharisees in the church today. I can remember one pastor I worked with brag about the nice chair on the platform that he sat in and the phone on the platform where he could call the soundboard guy. We all have those dark and sinful places in our hearts and that experience is a warning to me about what I don't want to be like. I want to live as Jesus would want me to and be a good example to others. Not being on some power trip because of a title or a position.
I didn't realize when I left the church I worked at years ago just how angry and bitter I was. I was so disappointed that it didn't work out and that people who were initially excited about our coming turned on us very early on. You wouldn't believe the angry and hostile emails I got from church members. Fights about things like easter egg hunts and whether or not we would have a softball team. It all seemed so petty and childish. For a good year or two after I left West Virginia I couldn't even sit all the way through a service because I would remember someone and the hurtful things they said and have to leave. I was horribly angry and after a while it took root and spread.
I also alienated myself from the church because I didn't want to get hurt again. Anyone reading this like to get hurt? I don't. So, for a while I stopped going. The thinking is that if I am not there you can't hurt me. A lot of people do that and I think many of the pews in churches today are empty because of that. But, in the end, I don't go to church just for other people. You go because God deserves your worship. The church is imperfect, but then aren't we all.
So, I kept trying and over time I realized how angry I truly was. It was embarrasing and evil what some people said and did in West Virginia. I guess I could just write it off as them being backwood hillbilllies, but I don't really see that. I think at some point I realized that the one I was hurting the most by hanging on to the bitterness was myself. So, over time I have had to let it go and move on. Aware the whole time that people have it within them to be very nice, but also at times very evil. You can't always tell either who it will be. There is no light or cardboard sign they are carrying that says, "I will tear your heart out and eat it."
So, we are going back to church and have picked a new church home. It is non-denominational and perhaps more different than any church that I have been a part of. It is loud and the guy with the guitar is a little weird, but every Sunday I have been there God has spoken through his word. I need that. I need a word from God. I need to feel that connection. And the truth of the matter is that I am weird too just in different ways.
The truth also is that I have the capacity within me to be pretty mean also. One lesson perhaps that can be taken from this is what i don't want to be like. That I don't want to assume the worst in people. That I don't want to be hypocritical and judgmental. That I don't want to claim I live one way and then walk another. That service in the church isn't about a power trip and who I can boss around. I really see that there are a lot of modern day Pharisees in the church today. I can remember one pastor I worked with brag about the nice chair on the platform that he sat in and the phone on the platform where he could call the soundboard guy. We all have those dark and sinful places in our hearts and that experience is a warning to me about what I don't want to be like. I want to live as Jesus would want me to and be a good example to others. Not being on some power trip because of a title or a position.
