"To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8-9, NASV
Peter is writing to families in this section,that really began back in chapter two, but now continues through chapter 3. He discusses the relationship that a wife and husband have together. Then sums up what he is saying in verses 8-9 with the above words. The key word in verse 8 is "all". This isn't a command for one person or the other, but everyone is included. Peter included a warning for husbands in his earlier passage that if the husband did not treat his wife with honor and a fellow heir his prayers would be hindered.
I'm reading this book right now by Gary Smalley called "The DNA of Relationships" and in it Smalley talks about having a "No Lose Policy" when it comes to arguments within the family. He says that when members of a team play a game they either all win or all lose. If one person loses then they all lost because they are all members of the same team. Likewise, God sees the husband and wife as one and it is impossible for one to lose and another to win. If one person loses then we all lose. If I treat another person where they feel demoralized, shamed or rejected then I have lost even if I have won the debate or argument. I have lost because I have treated a person that Jesus died for in a way that is not honoring.
This relates also to our relationships with fellow believers in the church. Because we are all a part of the same family. If one of us loses then all of us lose. I know that this happens on a regular basis in Baptist church. It causes churches to split and members to stop talking to each other. What would the difference be if believers realized that if I treat another believer with dishonor, disrespect or a lack of love I have already lost though I may in some sense win an argument? I wonder how a typical Baptist business meeting would look different if we took this approach? That one of the most important qualities is that even if we disagree in some areas we still treat one another with honor and respect.
One other thing that I have read not only in Smalley's book, but in other places lately is the "power of one". This means that I am responsible for all of my actions, feelings, beliefs and feelings and that I can't blame you for them. I have to take personal responsibility for myself. So, if you chose to act in a manner that is more like a gorilla in a cage at the zoo, I still can't blame you for my behavior. Your actions are yours and mine are mine. I can still chose to treat you with respect, even if you chose not to treat me in that way. This is a hard thing to do, but I have to realize that I can't blame another person for my behavior.
So, this passage is encouraging us to chose to behave in a manner that is harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit and not returning evil for evil. In a sense, this is a great description of the way that Jesus treated other people. One of the best ways that I can do this is to first focus on loving God and spending time with him and focusing on him and then remembering to love others because he loves them. There is also a promise in this passage in verses 10-12, which is a quote from Psalm 34 which says that the eyes of the Lord are on those who are righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer.
