I've been sharing my blog address a lot lately after not doing much with this blog for almost a year. So, if your new here I would like to take a minute to share my story with you.
This winter has been a tough one for me. I have been depressed and not sure why. I know Dr.Stanley has a book out titled "The Source of My Strength". Well, I would like to tell you about the source of my strength also. When I was about 14 or so I had a major problems with my self-esteem and depression. I simply didn't like myself. I wanted to be invisible. I tried very hard not to stand out. I spent a lot of my time alone. I didn't make friends easy. Around the time of my 16th birthday, I decided to go to a mystery retreat that my youth group at the church we attended was doing. At first, I thought it was a huge mistake. But, I felt accepted there and a part. It may have been one of the first times in my life I felt accepted by a group outside of my family. I will add that I have the greatest parents and sister in the world. Home was always a shelter in the storm for me.
One of the first things that I noticed about what the minister was saying is that God loves me. I always heard that, but something about seeing it in action made it more clear than ever. It became clear to me that if God can accept me as I am than I should also be able to accept myself. I began to get strength from that love from God. As time went on, I wanted to share that love. Because it also became clear to me that God didn't just love me, but also loves other people. He loves them with an unlimited love whether they want to acknowledge him or not. Since we are his hands and feet and mouth, he wants us to express His love for others. That was brought home to me not just by the youth in the group, but also by the adults who led the group and who mentored me.
I still have horrible periods of depression where I search for meaning. I didn't have a good day today as I write this to you. My son had two horrible temper meltdowns that trouble me. My job and life is not all fun and roses. I don't have all the answers. In fact, I have some pretty good well thought out questions of my own I would like to ask God. But, after questioning and arguing and debating and yelling at God at different points in my life I have come to settle one question and issue that before I struggled with. I know that even though I live in an unfair world where terrible things happen, God is good. I know that God is not out to get me. I know that God cries with those who cry. I know that God doesn't cause my pain. How exactly that meshes with God's sovereignty, I don't have a clue. I'm not a theologian. I am not a scholar. I am just an ordained guy that likes to study the Bible. But, after years of arguing and telling God that I don't think he is paying attention or asleep at the wheel, I can honestly tell you that we don't have that argument anymore with God as far as I am concerned. That issue is settled. Life is definitely unfair at times. Horrible things happen. Let me give you one example.
I was an intern at WakeMed Hospital in Raleigh in fall 2006. I was on call for 24 hours. During the last hour of my on call I went to a trauma call. A young man was driving his pick up to work. He was about 23 years old. I had to call his mother and ask her to come to the hospital because her son was in a wreck and had been sent to the hospital. It seems that he wasn't wearing his seat belt. When he came to a sudden stop, his internal organs were crushed by the steering wheel. I don't know if you've ever seen someone bleed ou, but it isn't a pretty picture. His mother spoke to him in the trauma room, but he died less than one day later.
I've alway thought about that family. He was just driving to work. He made a mistake of not putting on his seat belt and paid for it with his life. That is a horrible story. It is unfair. In fact, some emergency rooms see that kind of thing every week. It reminds me of what Dr.Meredith said when there was a shooting at Wedgwood Baptist Church in Ft.Worth years ago and seven people were shot and killed. A reporter asked him where was God when these people were shot. Dr.Meredith said, "I suppose he was in the same place when His son hung on a cross for you and me. He was on his throne." Good answer Dr.Meredith.
