Dealing with Difficult People
Having worked both as a pastor and now in mental health, I have dealt with my fair share of difficult people. I recently started reading a book about dealing with people like this called "Since Strangling Isn't An Option" by Sandra Crowe. Great title! I thought about some of the things that the difficult people I have run across have in common.
1. Black and white thinking- there is no gray area for a lot of people who are difficult. Thus, there is no room for compromise. This can make these people extremely difficult to deal with. For them, every hill is worth dying on. Every mole hill is a mountain for them. When you notice that the issue they are fighting about seems more serious that it should be, usually that means the issue really isn't the issue. There is something at stake that is a bigger deal for them than it should be. For me, as I get older, I realize there is more gray area than I thought.
2. Lack of self-esteem. Every hill has to be worth dying on because this person has a lot at stake when they state something in public. Their self-esteem is so weak that if you disagree with them it takes a major plug.
3. Control Issues- these people like to be in control. They will cause a disaster, as long as it is their disaster and watch everyone else around them squirm like a squid. They want power and want you to agree with them or do things their way.
This reminds me of a person who was in a business meeting at a church I pastored. I had written a short memo to the teachers that week about a Sunday School conference I went to and what I learned. He didn't like it that I had written a memo and not spoken to all of them personally. So, during the meeting he announced that he was quitting his teaching position. He would not say what the reason was even when asked. He had major control issues and I wasn't playing the way he thoughts I should. What he didn't realize is that I have the long term memory of a guppy and wrote it all down because I realized I would forget to tell them later. He was a problem the entire time I was at that church from then on. Here's what I learned from that experience:
1. You cannot back down about the issues you care about with control freaks. If you do they will keep wiping their feet on you like a doormat. You can be polite about it, but you must stand up for yourself. Jesus was not a doormate and you don't have to be either. There is no reason to embarrase the person publicly, but you can clearly state your wants and needs and let the person know how you feel. That is showing yourself some self-respect.
2. Conflict is not fun, but it is going to happen. In heaven, there will be no conflict, but until then it is going to happen. Some people just don't play by the rules the rest of us play. You need to try and take the high road and try and be fair. It reflects on who you are when you deal with conflict. Don't be passive aggressive or let it go if it is important to you. Control freaks don't get hit by buses or move out of town, they stay and fight and will always be there.
3. Some things just are not worth fighting about. I remember the first Easter I was at the church in Philippi that I pastored. The WMU group decided that they would put up a easter display for mission in front of the church. It happened to have easter eggs in the display. The display was from Lifeway, which is our old sunday school literature organization. A lady came up to the lady who was setting out the display and objected to it because it had easter eggs. The lady who was putting up the display stopped and took it down and then came crying to me about it at my office.
I had to think about whether this was worth fighting about. I tried to calm the lady and reassure her. But, I felt like this was between them and not up to me. So, I didn't do anything. It simply wasn't worth it. All bullys are not on playgroups and she was the wife of a deacon at the time. In fact, the same man I mentioned early. That was a really fun family to be around. Loads of laughs. I don't personally think there was anything wrote with the display, but it wasn't my battle to fight. I was more worried that the lady who came back to see me would have a heart attack actually.
The other thing that I have learned about difficult people is that you need to pray for them. Most of them really don't have any friends to speak of and are miserable people. It reminds me of a man who lived across the street from my parents for many years. When he died, my mom and his daughter and wife were the only ones at the funeral. He stayed inside his house and didn't have any friends. He once shot a kid with a salt gun for walking on his yard. He was a mean, hateful man and in the end nobody much cared about his passing. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and to pray for those who hate you. It is easy to love those who love you. It is much harder to love people like the people I have mentioned. In fact, it is downright impossible without God's help. Put people like this at the top of your prayer list and pray for them. Let God change them and try to be nice to them. They will probably wonder what is wrong with you.
1. Black and white thinking- there is no gray area for a lot of people who are difficult. Thus, there is no room for compromise. This can make these people extremely difficult to deal with. For them, every hill is worth dying on. Every mole hill is a mountain for them. When you notice that the issue they are fighting about seems more serious that it should be, usually that means the issue really isn't the issue. There is something at stake that is a bigger deal for them than it should be. For me, as I get older, I realize there is more gray area than I thought.
2. Lack of self-esteem. Every hill has to be worth dying on because this person has a lot at stake when they state something in public. Their self-esteem is so weak that if you disagree with them it takes a major plug.
3. Control Issues- these people like to be in control. They will cause a disaster, as long as it is their disaster and watch everyone else around them squirm like a squid. They want power and want you to agree with them or do things their way.
This reminds me of a person who was in a business meeting at a church I pastored. I had written a short memo to the teachers that week about a Sunday School conference I went to and what I learned. He didn't like it that I had written a memo and not spoken to all of them personally. So, during the meeting he announced that he was quitting his teaching position. He would not say what the reason was even when asked. He had major control issues and I wasn't playing the way he thoughts I should. What he didn't realize is that I have the long term memory of a guppy and wrote it all down because I realized I would forget to tell them later. He was a problem the entire time I was at that church from then on. Here's what I learned from that experience:
1. You cannot back down about the issues you care about with control freaks. If you do they will keep wiping their feet on you like a doormat. You can be polite about it, but you must stand up for yourself. Jesus was not a doormate and you don't have to be either. There is no reason to embarrase the person publicly, but you can clearly state your wants and needs and let the person know how you feel. That is showing yourself some self-respect.
2. Conflict is not fun, but it is going to happen. In heaven, there will be no conflict, but until then it is going to happen. Some people just don't play by the rules the rest of us play. You need to try and take the high road and try and be fair. It reflects on who you are when you deal with conflict. Don't be passive aggressive or let it go if it is important to you. Control freaks don't get hit by buses or move out of town, they stay and fight and will always be there.
3. Some things just are not worth fighting about. I remember the first Easter I was at the church in Philippi that I pastored. The WMU group decided that they would put up a easter display for mission in front of the church. It happened to have easter eggs in the display. The display was from Lifeway, which is our old sunday school literature organization. A lady came up to the lady who was setting out the display and objected to it because it had easter eggs. The lady who was putting up the display stopped and took it down and then came crying to me about it at my office.
I had to think about whether this was worth fighting about. I tried to calm the lady and reassure her. But, I felt like this was between them and not up to me. So, I didn't do anything. It simply wasn't worth it. All bullys are not on playgroups and she was the wife of a deacon at the time. In fact, the same man I mentioned early. That was a really fun family to be around. Loads of laughs. I don't personally think there was anything wrote with the display, but it wasn't my battle to fight. I was more worried that the lady who came back to see me would have a heart attack actually.
The other thing that I have learned about difficult people is that you need to pray for them. Most of them really don't have any friends to speak of and are miserable people. It reminds me of a man who lived across the street from my parents for many years. When he died, my mom and his daughter and wife were the only ones at the funeral. He stayed inside his house and didn't have any friends. He once shot a kid with a salt gun for walking on his yard. He was a mean, hateful man and in the end nobody much cared about his passing. Jesus tells us to love our enemies and to pray for those who hate you. It is easy to love those who love you. It is much harder to love people like the people I have mentioned. In fact, it is downright impossible without God's help. Put people like this at the top of your prayer list and pray for them. Let God change them and try to be nice to them. They will probably wonder what is wrong with you.
